About - your counsellor

How do we expect children growing up in these environments trying to manage these experiences to cope and make the best of themselves with any sort of self worth and value when they are left alone to try and understand what has happened to them? They will interpret these experiences incorrectly and make assumptions and meanings that will impact on their ability to make relationships, self sooth and manage their emotions, as well as having a major impact on their ability to achieve to the best of their abilities and maintain good mental health into adulthood.

The impact on their attachment often leading to insecure avoidant or ambivalent styles of attachment, their self esteem and ability to empathise is in affect ‘shredded’; so is it any wonder they use destructive behaviours as a way to cope. Albeit counter-productive it’s a way to manage in this confusing world where they know and have evidence that their needs will not be met by those significant adults around them therefore they will make this mean something about themselves, such as ‘I am not acceptable’ so will resort to behaviours they have learnt and understood to be a means to keep safe and to get noticed in the absence of being able to self sooth and regulate their emotions. DACS provides these children with the chance to reframe these experiences and to look at their full range of emotions and ways they communicate to provide them with an alternative way of thinking, feeling and behaving due to their experiences of DA. We validate their emotions and experiences and provide them with the messages ‘they are not alone', 'it’s not your fault or your non-abusive parents fault' and 'you are not to blame for what happened'.

This helps to understand how they constructed a way of feeling, thinking and behaving in this environment as what other choice did they have, what else could they of done as they are a child? We also explore feelings of anger, blame, resentment and guilt which are often a result of experiencing DA, as well as looking at normalising the role of their non-abusive parent/carer to increase their empathy and understanding of what things were like for them. By reinterpreting their experiences they can understand the decisions made to protect them and to keep them safe at that time.

Thereby we can explore new ways of behaving and managing emotions encouraging children to self-regulate their emotions, understand and attune physiologically and to express themselves and ask for their needs, rather than reverting to learnt behaviours and emotions such as anger resulting in yet another reinforcing experience that confirms their beliefs about themselves, other people and what their world.

To build a collaborative working relationship we have to use empathy, congruence and non-judgemental positive regard to listen and understand their lives to see the child behind their behaviour. When the child feels engaged and deems the support useful with purpose and something to engage with provides motivation to seek solutions and identify their own goals and belief in their ability to change.